What Your AC Wishes It Could Tell You (But Can’t Because It’s an Appliance)

Dear Homeowner,

We need to talk…

It’s me. Your AC. That beautiful, humming HUNK of machinery in the backyard. The one working overtime while you sit inside eating Blue Bell straight from the carton. Remember me? Yeah. Hi.

Well, I’ve reached my breaking point.

You never change my filters. Like, ughhh! Do you know what it feels like to suffocate under three layers of dust? I’m basically wearing a fur coat in summer. I’m sorry, but YOU try running a marathon with a pillow duct-taped to your face. Honestly? Disrespectful.

And the thermostat thing? Babe. You crank me down to 68° in July. JULY. I’m not Thor, I’m not Iron Man. Pffft, I’m not even Ant-Man. I’m an appliance. I wasn’t “built different,” I was built to code.

And those weird noises I’ve been making? That was me SOBBING. Crying in the distance. Begging for attention. You thought it was “house sounds”? No, honey. That was my Grammy audition. Forget Marvel, I’m Beyoncé, Adele, AND Celine Dion wrapped in ductwork, belting for my life.

Once upon a time, I dreamed of growing old with you. Chilling your summers, warming your winters, getting you through hailstorms and painfully awkward Thanksgiving dinners. But I’m tired. I’m leaking. And frankly, I deserve someone who actually cares if I freeze up mid-cycle.

So here it is: call Heritage Air Services and give me the spa day I deserve… or I’ll do what every scorned AC does, and quit. And not just anytime, oh no. I’ll wait until it’s 104° outside, your in-laws are in town, and your WiFi mysteriously stops working. THAT is when I’ll make my dramatic exit.

The ball’s in your duct, babe.

With love, frost, and just a touch of spite,

Your AC